Masks
by JesterChester
Summary: Santana's a lost cause, but Rachel's the only one who refuses to give up on her, no matter what.
1. Chapter 1

**Yeah I know it's a new story, faithful readers, but when I come up with something I just have to write it down. But what's the harm in reading a little AU Pezberry story? I hope you enjoy, and keep reading. I'm working on updates for my other stories as well.**

It was just a mask. Everyone had one, a front they put on to show the world that they were strong. That they could be strong. But people didn't always wear them, sometimes they took them off, sometimes they showed people that they cared and loved them. I knew she wore her mask on, her mask was unbreakable, because I'd seen her around here before. She was uncharacteristically quiet now, before she would hang out with a few other kids, even if they were in a bad crowd. She would laugh at stupid jokes, make sarcastic comments in class, and even go to lunch. Now that all changed.

It was none of my business, I knew that, but it didn't stop me from being curious.

"Can you believe it?" Kurt approached me and held up his English paper with a squeal. "An A-, my dad's gonna lose it. He might even get me a car for my sixteenth birthday. How cool would that be?" I couldn't focus on Kurt, I was happy for him, but I just couldn't focus. "Earth to Rachel, don't tell me you're thinking about your math test still, you did fine." I took my eyes off her and turned to Kurt, trying to put on my best smile.

"No worries, I guess I just zoned out. Congrats on your test though Kurt, I'm excited for you." We both opened our lockers and started putting our books inside. There was no use in carrying so many things to the lunch room. "I can't wait until we're seniors and can actually leave the school for lunch." Kurt scoffed like I was saying something so out of the ordinary.

"That's in like twenty billion years, and besides I kind of like the cafeteria." Now it was my turn to look bewildered. "Think about it, it's like a freakin circus, people watching at its prime. And word on the street is that Noah Puckerman got mad at Karofsky for showing him up at football practice, and Noah's gonna start something at lunch."

"I never understood the whole football thing. I think it's overrated." Kurt eyed me suspiciously as we closed our lockers and walked down the hallway, side-by-side. "It's just a way to glorify masculinity, it's gross."

"Sweaty boys tackling one another, gross is so not the word I'd use." We entered the cafeteria and headed right for the long line that awaited us. "Jesus what's with the line, they aren't serving lobster for Christ's sake." I looked around, I could see the popular table with all the cheerleaders and football players laughing and joking around, but I also saw something weird.

Santana was talking with Brittany Pierce, it was a brief encounter, but it was unusual. "Whoa, what's going on there?" Kurt had noticed too, which was good because I didn't have to keep all my thoughts to myself. "Are they friends?"

"I don't know." I said genuinely. "Where has she been anyway? I haven't seen her in a few weeks."

"I heard that she got arrested and had to spend time in juvie because her parents wouldn't bail her out." I arched an eyebrow, that was intense, not exactly what I was expecting.

"Who'd you hear that from?"

"Around, I guess. Why the sudden interest in the delinquent? She's bad news, everyone knows that. She's like sixteen and she's already lost, I give her like a year until she's dead." That hit hard. Why would Kurt say something like that? Why didn't I defend her?

He's was wrong though, about my _sudden_ interest. It wasn't sudden, it had been awhile. She'd been in my sixth grade reading group. Group Tigers, that's what we were called. They didn't call it group 1 anymore because parents complained that it made the other less advanced kids feel out of place. Santana and I would read together sometimes though, back-to-back in the library. We'd get ahead of everyone, and then try so hard not to spoil the ending. Sometimes she'd ask me to read to her. She was so shy about asking that I could see her shaking, but I wouldn't mind not at all. I'd read to her and she'd listen silently, she'd never look at me though, not once. I thought that maybe no one had ever read to her as a kid, and that broke my heart. Like I said Kurt was wrong about the sudden interest.

About her being dead in a year, I wasn't so sure.

"Do you have dance today?" Kurt asked me. "I heard somewhere that dancers are the hardest working athletes in the world." I nodded but hardly paid any attention. Santana was walking over, heading right for us, and she slid into the line right in front of us. I was too shocked to object, but Kurt couldn't care less. "Hey what are you doing?" Santana turned and looked at Kurt.

"Cut me a break, yeah? I wanna get out of here before Noah punches Dave's face in." Kurt perked up, he loved having the inside scoop on everything. I just couldn't believe him though, one minute he's talking about Santana like she's nothing, and the next he's pretending like she's his best friend.

"So understandable. Do you know what's going on between them?" Kurt asked. I felt like an outsider here, Santana hadn't even looked at me. Sure we hadn't spoken, much or at all, in a few years but she still knew me.

"A lotta dick drama, stupid masculinity bullshit, you know how that goes. They're both gonna get fucked though, they'll probably get suspended and we'll lose the game Friday. Serves 'em right though." Santana turned away like she was done with talking about it, but then I realized we'd made it to the register. Santana reached into her pocket, seemingly scavenging for change. She looked at Cara, the lunch lady with a frown. "Hey I uh…I'm a little short."

"How short?"

"Like all the way short." Santana looked around for a second, realizing that she was holding up the line. "I'll pay tomorrow, I'm good for it."

"You've said that a hundred times before. Santana, the administration is cracking down, I could lose my job." Santana nodded, she didn't look like she was going to push it anymore. "I'm sorry."

"Hey, I could…" Cara and Santana looked back at me, like I was interrupting everything. I didn't know if I'd make things worse by interjecting but I felt like I needed to. "I can pay for you."

"Do I look like a fucking charity case?" The anger in her eyes is what hit me the most, not just her words.

"No you don't." I told her, hoping that would calm her down. She stared, like she was expecting me to say something different, or maybe something more. The cafeteria suddenly got ignited with passion, a loud _clang_ of a tray hitting the ground caused everyone to look away. Dave had shoved Noah back and Noah swung first, it was primal and uninteresting if you ask me. I turned back to apologize to Santana, but she was already gone.

"We should get out of here." Kurt told me, and I couldn't agree more. We left the cafeteria just as security was rushing in.

The rest of the day moved so slowly it was painful. I just wanted to go home, I was in no mood for practice today either. It usually made me feel free and relaxed, but I just wanted a warm bath and a nap. On my final trip to my locker I saw Santana pacing aimlessly down the hallway. She was alone but looked as if she was waiting for someone.

Noah approached her, and he looked suspicious as hell. "Yo what the hell, stop acting all fidgety like that." Santana warned him. "And what the fuck was with that show in the cafeteria, it's gonna get you caught."

"You'd know a lot about that." Noah reached into his pocket and handed Santana a wad of cash. Santana shoved a baggie into Noah's pocket and she was about to walk off when she suddenly stopped. She unraveled the crumbled up cash and counted. "What?"

"You're about twenty short dickwad. I have rent to pay, this ain't the fucking Sound of Music, we aren't gonna sing about shit. You're gonna get me my money, okay." Santana shoved Noah backwards and reached into his pocket again, pulling out the baggie and putting it in her backpack. "I want my money tomorrow, all of it, plus ten percent interest."

"Come on San-."

"This isn't a game." Santana said. "Tomorrow, or you're fucked, got me?" Noah nodded and for some reason I followed Santana towards the door. Call me crazy, but there was so much I had to know. I had to jog a little just so I wouldn't lose sight of her, but I stopped when she'd popped the hood of her car. What was she doing back there?

I approached her, slowly, apprehensively, but still with curious eyes. As soon as she saw me her face dropped. "What are you doing here?"

"Walking around, it's a free country." Santana rolled her eyes and sat on the end of her trunk, feet steady on the ground. Her backpack was in her trunk and so were a few other bags, I was curious to see why.

"Yo that free country democracy bullshit is a lie. That's not how it works in the real world." Santana crossed her arms over her chest. "Word of advice from me to you."

"Gee thanks." I didn't know why but I was starting to realize that Santana had changed more than I'd realized. Even the way she talked was different, like she'd had a hundred years under her belt, instead of just sixteen. "Nice ride." Santana had a deep purple 83 hatchback Corolla, it was old but charming and probably really cheap to buy. "Did your parents buy you that?" Santana tensed and looked around like she was making sure no one was there before she smacked me.

"No…they didn't. I got it myself, saved up."

"Do you have a job?" Santana uncrossed her arms and stood up, slamming her trunk shut. I tried not to look so frightened but I couldn't help it. If she could scare Noah, she could easily get under my skin.

"I don't like this twenty questions shit you're trying to pull here. What's your deal? Kurt send you to find out the latest dirt on me?" I was shocked that she'd think I'd stoop that low, but not shocked that she'd blame Kurt somehow. He was an easy target, easier than me apparently. "Don't you have like a bus to catch or something?"

"My dad is coming to pick me up for practice." I told her. A part of me wondered why I even told her that I was going to practice. The other part of me realized I wanted to share a part of me with her, I'd already seen too much into her world to scare me away. And yet I was still here, that must have said a lot. "He should be here in a few minutes. Why are you waiting around here?"

"And she comes back with another question." Santana said as if she was commentating a sports game. "Look, I like waiting here for a while after school, it relaxes me." She reached into her pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes, sticking one in her mouth and holding the package towards me. "Smoke?"

"No." I said, I was so taken aback. I didn't know anyone who smoked, except for gross truck drivers at gas stations. Santana shrugged and lit her cigarette with ease. "Those are really bad for you."

"Good." She said with a smirk. "Relax, it's not the worst thing I've done." I couldn't stop staring at her with wide eyes. She was just a little girl who wanted to be read to, how did she end up here? "Did you stay for the fight?"

"No, Kurt and I left. Violence scares me." Santana started laughing.

"I heard Dave punched Puck's stomach in, but laid off the face hoping his punishment would be less or something. Weirdest thing is…Puck didn't swing back. Not once. So Dave got five days off plus no football for a week. Puck did it on purpose, fucked Dave over." Santana seemed very impressed by the whole thing, I could tell. "That's some sneaky ass female shit, you know. Deceitful and all." All the while we were speaking I'd forgotten how different this was. It was strange that she'd just up and started talking to me, like we'd never skipped a beat, skipped four years.

"You're really quiet in school." I blurted out.

"So?"

"So…why are you talking to me now? I thought maybe you hated like all of society or something." Santana flung her cigarette on the ground and let it sit on the pavement for a moment before stomping it out.

"In school I'm in my own head, right now I'm relaxing…you caught me at a good time."

"I'm happy I did." Santana didn't seem to like that response, that or she'd just thought of something she didn't want to because her eyebrow furrowed and she looked around the nearly empty lot. "What?"

"Bad vibes…maybe you should get out of here." I didn't understand where that feeling came from.

"I have to wait for my dad." I explained to her.

"Look when I don't trust my instincts things don't turn out well. Now get outta here, wait by the front of the school." I didn't want to fight or get her any more upset, so I walked away, without any more questions. I didn't go to the front of the school though, I stayed at the side door, so I could still keep an eye on her.

A Cadillac pulled up by her, but no one got out. I could see a window go down, but my eyesight wasn't that great. Santana didn't look happy, but there wasn't any yelling just a lot of looking around. I wondered who was in the car, but I didn't have time to walk closer, my dad pulled up a moment later.

"Hey dad." I said trying to pretend like everything was okay.

"Hi sweetheart, how was your day?" I got into the passenger's side seat and pulled on my seatbelt. "Learn anything interesting?" I looked over at Santana again still talking to the mystery person in the other car.

"Yeah…I did."

**So is this worth continuing? **


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks for the reviews/favs/follows, as always you guys are amazing. Enjoy.**

English was my favorite class. It challenged me in new ways, and it was interesting and in-depth. On top of everything it was a really small class. There were only fifteen people in it, and as of today, Santana had joined too. Apparently, she couldn't get along with the teacher, but that was just the rumor.

She walked into the classroom, silently and sat behind me. Her eyes were cold, like something was genuinely wrong, but I couldn't just ask her about it. Luckily Mr. Brooks asked us to get into groups, and I turned my desks around without even thinking of working with anyone else.

Santana looked disinterested, but I didn't let that discourage me. I just wanted to know that she was here, not just physically. I wanted to know that she was emotionally present. "Are you gonna help me with this?" I asked her as I continued working on the third question on the worksheet.

"What do you want me to do? It's not like I read." She looked tired, like she hadn't slept at all. "What?"

"If we don't finish this then we'll have to work on it tonight." I told her hoping that would get her to focus and try to participate. She just rested her head on her desk and looked up at me.

"I can't do it tonight, I'm busy." Santana said nonchalantly.

"Santana, quit slacking off, and help Rachel. Maybe she could teach you a thing or two." Mr. Brooks said, trying his best to embarrass Santana into being helpful. Santana sat up and took the paper from me and pulled out a pen. She covered what she was writing and after a few minutes she slid the paper back over to me.

She wasn't writing anything. She was drawing a humorous portrait of Mr. Brooks. She laughed when she saw my reaction, I tried not to give in and smile, so instead I pretended to look through my book and search for quotes. "I can't work on this, but I'll pay you back tomorrow."

"You know Mr. Williams talked to me about you this morning. He says that maybe I could tutor you." Santana sat back in her seat and crossed her arms over her chest. "It's just an idea, only if you want."

"I don't want a fucking tutor, so Mr. Williams can shove it." Santana looked up at the clock and then back to me. She checked her phone and groaned, like she'd just received some pretty bad news. "Actually maybe we could work on it later after all. Right after school?"

"I can't, I have dance." Santana's expression was curious and for some reason it made me look away quickly.

"Of course." Santana muttered. "Then I'll pick you up from dance, just tell your dad you're at Kurt's or something."

"I don't want to lie to him." I said quietly.

"Or tell him the truth, that you're gonna be at my shitty apartment in the Heights. Whatever you want." Santana reached down and grabbed her backpack just in time for the bell. "Where's your dance studio? Write it down." Santana ripped a sheet of paper out of her notebook and handed it to me. I wrote down the address of my studio and handed it to me. "I'm gonna need your phone number too, just in case." I wrote that down too and handed it over, she stuffed it in her pocket and we stood there staring at one another for a moment.

"How late do you think I'll be over there?"

"You scared?"

"I didn't say that." Even though I was most certainly thinking it. "I'll see you after practice then." Santana nodded and we both headed for the door. I couldn't help it, I was curious to see how she would act when we got away from it all. Maybe she'd be completely different, like she was when we were kids.

Maybe not.

Ballet practice was tough. I was exhausted, and I knew that I would be relaxed once I got home. That's when I realized, I wasn't going home, Santana was picking me up. I looked around for her car, and she was sitting on her hood smoking a cigarette and texting on her phone. I approached her slowly, partially because I liked to see her at peace like this, but mostly because I was legitimately tired.

Santana looked up at me when I cleared my throat, and her eyes found their way to my own. "Wow, did ballet kick your ass?" Santana asked as she slid off the car and laughed at me. "You look like you've been through hell."

"Thanks." Santana took my bag and stuffed it in the backset of her car. I got into the passenger's side seat while Santana tossed her cigarette and got in too. "How long did you have to wait?"

"Like twenty years, does it take you that long to change?" Santana questioned as we started driving towards her apartment.

"I'm sorry, I was just really tired." I didn't want to make her upset but she didn't seem to really mind that I was late. "I didn't know you lived in an apartment." I said in a mild attempt at a subject change.

"Yeah, it's not that great." Santana didn't want to say anything else so I just left it alone. "So how old are those girls in your class?"

"Everyone's seventeen, except me." I told her. "Why?"

"Cute girls dancing, never a bad thing." Luckily Santana pulled into her parking lot so I didn't have to respond. "So just stick by me, okay? It's kinda sketchy, sorry." Santana walked up to the front door and used her key to get in. We went straight for the elevator and for some off reason Santana seemed a little tenser than she did earlier.

Once we made it to her floor she led the way, walking with purpose until she saw someone further down the hallway. She grabbed my hand and pushed me against the wall. Her hands moved to my hips and in a flash her lips were so close to mine, I could taste her. "Close your eyes." She whispered to me, she was insistent so I did so.

No questions asked.

I thought she was going to kiss me, maybe I wanted her to, but instead she pulled back and exhaled after the man got on the elevator. There were questions now, a million running through my head, but all I could do was stare at Santana. "Jeez stop looking at me like that, I'm sorry, that dude's got beef with me. I knew he wouldn't mess with me if I was with you." Santana walked towards her door and opened it, letting me in first. "He was a bad guy, would you have preferred it if I kissed you?"

I didn't answer, instead Santana led us to her apartment. She opened the door for me and walked in behind me. It wasn't that bad, I mean it was a small studio apartment, but it was clean, and I could tell that Santana lived here. She had posters everywhere, a lot of bands, and a lot of girls. "So the worksheet?" I snapped out of it and walked over to sit down on Santana's couch.

She opened her refrigerator and I dug into my bag to pull out the worksheet. I only looked up when I heard a bottle cap fall to the ground. Santana sat down next to me with a beer in her hand. "What are you doing?" She couldn't be serious.

"What? Do you want one?" She asked like she had no idea why I was upset.

"No, I just…why are you drinking?"

"I drink a lot." She said with a shrug. "So about this worksheet. I thought I'd have time to read after school but Noah was being a prick and I didn't." I wasn't disappointed, I was just surprised that she cared enough to say so.

"It's okay." I told her honestly. "I'll just work on it and you can read it over afterwards." Santana nodded and took a sip of her beer. She seemed a lot older, older than me at least. She was living here all alone, I didn't want to ask why, I assumed her parents had kicked her out. I was doing homework and she was drinking a beer, none of this felt natural.

"So what have you been up to?" I was confused by the question.

"What do you mean? Like today?"

"No more like over the past few years. In case you haven't noticed I've been kind of AWOL. You're not this cute little 6th grader anymore." Santana took another drink before setting her beer down.

"I'm not cute?" Santana's eyes scanned my body before smirking.

"No." Santana's smirk let me know that she was only kidding. "You're like smart as hell though, right?"

"What am I supposed to say?" I asked her honestly. I knew that I was doing well in school, but I never liked to brag. It was tasteless.

"It's okay you don't have to answer." Santana's head dropped a little and she did her best at avoiding my eyes. "So about that whole tutoring thing…I mean, I know what I said earlier, but…fuck." Santana seemed legitimately nervous and that was the last thing I wanted. If she needed help then I was more than willing to help her. "I need C's by December or they'll kick me out." I didn't realize how desperate she was and how much she really needed someone to help her.

"I can help you. I'd be happy to." Santana smiled and casually wrapped her arm around my shoulder. I was finishing up the worksheet, when I felt Santana's hand on my knee. "I'm done. You can check over it tomorrow before English, if that's okay." I put the paper in my backpack trying to ignore the sensation of Santana gently rubbing her hand against my knee. "What are you doing?" Santana moved her hand higher and under my skirt.

I didn't know if I should push her away or smack her, because she kept her hand under my skirt like it was normal. "I'm paying you back for the worksheet." She went to grab my panties, but I pushed her hand away. "What's wrong?"

"I don't want you to pay me back, not like this." I assured her.

"Well then what should I do? I don't have any more drugs on me." She seemed so scared, like if she didn't repay me somehow then I would just hang her out to dry.

"You don't have to do anything." I assured her. "A thank you will suffice."

"A thank you? Thank you doesn't mean shit." She said with a frustrated sigh. She seemed so confused that I didn't want anything more from her. "What's with you? Don't you want to feel good?"

"I've never done something like that before. I just…it's not right, and I don't want you to think you ever have to do something like that to thank me." Santana searched my eyes for something more before looking down. "Do you do that a lot?"

"It's what everyone wants from me. Sex or drugs." Santana shrugged. "It's what people want, to feel good you know."

"When I dance I feel good, when I'm with family or friends I feel good." I explained to her.

"I don't have any of those things though." Santana downed the rest of her beer and set the bottle down. "So what can I do?" Santana stood up and walked back over to her fridge and grabbed another beer. I felt too uncomfortable to tell her not to so I waited for her to join me again on the couch. "Okay, so did I fuck up or what?" She didn't sound upset, actually I could see a little smile forming on her face.

"Kinda." I said as I was trying to keep it cool. "But it's okay."

"I guess sex on a couch isn't that classy, huh?" I didn't know how to respond. I hadn't ever really thought about anything like that. Ever. "Unless you've done it before." 

"I haven't." I said quickly.

"Why are you suddenly getting all shy? I think I hit a nerve." Santana was loosening up, mostly because of the beer. I didn't know where this was going but I didn't like it's direction. Luckily for me, there was a knock at the door that interrupted. Santana groaned and stood, walking over to her door absentmindedly.

I didn't see the guy walk in until Santana walked into her kitchen again and rummaged through her drawer. The man was about 5'10, sort of lanky, with a rugged looking beard. Santana didn't seem worried so I pretended like I wasn't either. He looked at me and smiled. "Hey cutie." Santana walked over and stood between me and the guy.

"Shut up Jeremy." Santana handed him a wad of cash. Santana looked over her shoulder at me with a smirk. "She is cute though, huh?" I looked away trying to conceal my blush. It also didn't help that they were so close to me.

"So you have any problems?" Jeremy asked Santana.

"Kids are buying they always buy. But the administration's probably gonna crack down, especially if it involves the football plays. The principle has a hard-on for drugs. I would know." Santana crossed her arms over her chest, not defensively, but it was like she was trying to come up with a solid plan. "I'm gonna be fucked if they bring in dogs."

"Keep the shit in your car, or have the kids come here-."

"No uppity Lima kid's gonna take the trek out here moron. Tell your guy I need more time. If he wants his money then he'll realize he needs me around I'm not gonna get screwed over this." Jeremy didn't look convinced.

"Your girlfriend isn't gonna fuck you if she sees you acting all scared." Jeremy said.

"She's not gonna fuck me anyway. Hell I wouldn't fuck me. Look it'll get done, just tell those guys to stay away from my place, the cops are heavy here. I'm looking out." Santana patted Jeremy's shoulder. "Now would you get out of here?"

"Want an 8 or something. I've got X too if you want." Santana was already walking him towards the door. I couldn't hear them anymore, but I did see Santana slip something into her pocket before he left. I decided again, to play it cool. So Santana was into drugs, things could be worse, I just had to avoid judging her and just accept things, it was better that way.

"Sorry about that, I didn't know he was coming over."

"Are you two friends?" I asked her curiously.

"Friends? No." Santana shook her head and sat back down next to me. "I don't have any of those remember."

"You could have some, if you wanted to." Santana's eyes lingered for a moment before she looked down again.

"No thanks, I do better without." Santana leaned back and she was going to say something but decided against it. "Let me rest for a little bit, sober up and then I'll take you home. Will your dads be pissed?"

"They might ask you for a breathalyzer test." I joked. I didn't realize it wasn't funny until I saw her face. I hurt her, I genuinely hurt her.

"Why because it's me?"

"No, I didn't mean it like that…it was a joke, like all teenagers are bad, not just…I'm sorry." Santana put on her best fake smile.

"It's okay, Rachel, everything's okay."

**Reviews/Favs/Follows if you want more. I always appreciate feedback from everyone who has time.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Since I had a ten hour drive today, I decided to do something more than just sleep and listen to music. Hope you enjoy.**

"Do you want to hurt them?" I walked slowly past Ms. Pillsbury's office, I could see Santana in there. Her eyes were downcast, her arms over her chest. "Do you want to stay in this school?"

"Honestly, no." Santana was angry but she was trying not to show it. "This is bullshit, I didn't do anything. You know that." Santana sat down in the chair, it seemed like she'd been in that exact spot more than once. Ms. Pillsbury didn't look like she was entirely convinced, but she didn't look upset.

"This is serious-."

"And you don't think I know that?" Santana tapped her fingers against the armrest. I went over to the water fountain so I wouldn't look like I was eavesdropping. "Please don't call the cops, I thought we were friends."

"Santana, I'm an adult, you're still a kid, we aren't friends, but I do care about you." Ms. Pillsbury pulled out a notepad and grabbed a pen, she looked at Santana for a moment before moving on. "Where are you staying?" I felt really bad about listening in now, but there was no one in the hallway, and they could hardly see me.

"Around." Santana said with a shrug.

"Santana…"

"Don't put me through this." I didn't think she'd ever sound this desperate and afraid, not in front of someone else. "Please." Ms. Pillsbury didn't push her, not any further. "Can I go now?" Santana didn't wait, she just grabbed her jacket and rushed out of her office. I figured she'd just walk down the hallway and leave without another word. But she stopped suddenly, and I could hear her footsteps heading right for me. "What'd you hear?" I turned around slowly, I didn't want her to be upset.

"Nothing I just…" I closed my water bottle and put it in the side of my backpack. "Did something happen?"

"Yeah, yeah." Santana looked down, wheels were turning in her head. She had so much going on inside and I could barely scratch the surface. "I fucked up." Santana shoved her hands into her pockets. "Do you have practice after school?"

"No, but my dad wants me home." I told her, truthfully I just wanted to see if Santana would come over to my house instead. "You could come over to my house." Santana didn't feel comfortable, I could tell by her expression. "We could work in the library after school."

"Is it really okay if I come over? You should ask your dads first." Anyone was always welcome at my house, no matter what. Santana pulled up her hood and turned her back to Brett Miller, the captain of the hockey team as he approached.

"Santana." Brett said. "How'd your little meeting go?" Santana tried to ignore him, but she couldn't, he was getting to her without even trying.

"Fuck off Brett I'm not in the mood." Santana snapped at him.

"It's not a big deal." Brett said with a laugh, he tried to pat Santana's shoulder playfully, but Santana didn't take it that way. She grabbed him by the collar and slammed him against the lockers nearby, she wanted to hit him, I could tell, but instead she let him fix his shirt and walk away.

People saw, but no one said anything. For once, all eyes were on me, people wondered why Santana was even talking to me, but they didn't say a word about it. "See why I'm worried about going over to your house."

"But you won't hurt me."

"Why do you sound so sure about that?" Santana's question was genuine, she really wanted to know, but we didn't have time to get into it. For some reason, we always seemed to run out of time.

"I just know you won't." Santana squinted her eyes a little before she smiled. "I'll meet you at your locker after school."

"Okay." Santana nodded. "Stay out of trouble." She joked with her signature smirk before jogging off down the hall. I couldn't help but smile, I felt like I was getting a part of Santana back, a small part but that almost seemed to be enough.

I waited at her locker, I'd been here for five minutes already, but I wasn't getting impatient. Actually I think I was nervous, I'd told my dads that someone was coming over, but I didn't say it was Santana. I wasn't lying, but I wasn't exactly telling the truth. I couldn't figure out why. My dads didn't know much about Santana, they don't know what she's like now, at most they'd just wonder why Kurt wasn't hanging around too.

I couldn't think about it, it was really easy to be around Santana if I didn't overthink it. Santana approached, looking calm, cool, and collected as she did so. "Wanna get outta here?" She started walking before I did, so I trekked after her, a look of determination on my face. She was acting differently than earlier, but it was almost better because I didn't have to be on my toes.

Not when she was this quiet.

We got into her car, and she threw our bags in the back. "You okay?" I asked her, just to test the waters.

"I'm fine." She said, I told her where to turn and she looked around almost like she was in awe. Like she hadn't been on this side of town in a really long time. "Actually can I stop somewhere for some coffee?"

"Of course, I don't mind." Santana turned into a Starbucks that was just a few blocks away from my house. She ordered a coffee, well actually she put so much sugar in it that I couldn't really call it that. She noticed that I was watching her drink it, and she set it down. "You have a serious sweet tooth."

"I can't help it." She smiled and pulled into my driveway. She grabbed our bags and we headed for my front door. Her eyes were glued to the ground, up until I pulled out my keys and unlocked the door. I walked in first and led her towards the kitchen.

"You can stop looking so scared, they aren't home." Santana set our bags down and tried not to look so embarrassed even though I knew she was. "I can tell that something is wrong." That caught her attention, quickly.

"Nothing's wrong." She said it almost as if she meant it.

"Look we don't have to do this-."

"I have to." She said. "Even if I didn't want to do it…I have to." She sat down in a chair and twirled her thumbs. "So I have to do this math worksheet, can you help me?"

"Yeah, let's go up to my room." I grabbed my bag this time, feeling like Santana was trying to hard to be nice when she really didn't have to do anything. I sat down on my bed first and Santana joined, pulling out her worksheet and handing it to me. "Do you want me to do it for you?" I joked.

"That'd be nice but…I wasn't expecting it." Santana pulled out a pencil. As it turned out, when Santana put her mind to it, she was a really great worker. She was sweet and easy to be around, she joked and made me feel comfortable. Now I was back to all the questions I had before. When we were young we were friends, what the hell changed? "Something's on your mind." I had my laptop on my lap, Santana was leaning back supported by only her elbow, and I suddenly felt like there was no air in my room. "What are you thinking about?"

"You." I told her honestly. She sat up more and frowned.

"What about me?"

"You've changed…a lot." I whispered the last part, because I really didn't want her to hear me say it.

"I didn't want to, it just happened." Her voice was so full of regret that it made me close my laptop so that there was nothing distracting either one of us. "At school today I know you overheard me when I was talking to Ms. Pillsbury." She clenched her jaw before she looked at me and chuckled bitterly. "I fucked up so badly."

"You'll be okay." I said even though I wasn't so sure.

"That prick Brett snitched on me, they did a surprise drug test on the hockey team and he pointed his straight to me when they found something in his system." Santana ran her fingers through her hair. "They might let it go…they might not. If they do then I'm out for good."

"I'm sorry, I can't-."

"I'm just scared." There it was, she was opening up so quickly that I didn't even know what to say. Her eyes were so warm right now, so wrecked with emotion that I thought maybe I shouldn't say anything after all. "Mostly of myself."

"What?" I blurted out like the absolute idiot that I am. That snapped Santana out of whatever sort of confession induced state she was in and she laughed like we had just been joking around the whole time.

"Do you remember when you broke your finger in fourth grade?" I was so surprised that my mouth just hung open for a solid ten seconds.

"You remember that?"

"Of course I do, I mean…it was kinda my fault." I scooted closer to her just so I could nudge her. "Ow!" She said with a playful laugh. "I didn't mean for it to happen. Four square is a very dangerous game." Her eyes were full of life, like the memories were awakening something inside her.

"I cried so hard that night, I thought I'd never be able to write again. My dads had to stay in my room for a week because I had these really awful nightmares." I explained to her. "Do you remember what happened the next day?"

"No, what happened?"

"You gave me your _Gushers_ at lunch, saying it would help me feel better." Santana and I both shared a laugh.

"Did it?"

"Yeah." I nodded. "You were kinda adorable back then."

"Only kinda?" Santana put her worksheet back in her backpack and zipped it up. "So there's a…thing on Friday."

"A thing?"

"Yeah, a thing." Santana smiled again, her eyes glued to mine for a change. "I'm thinking we could go, you know like in return for helping me. Like is that how I can repay you?" I was still worried about her need to remain even with me, and the fact that she didn't trust kindness at face value, but I was interested in her offer.

"I don't know."

"Well I'd tell you to think about it but then you're just agonize over it all night and then tell me you were going anyway, so just say yes." Santana was so confident in her statement that she seemed to just assume that I was going anyway. "So it's at this guy's house, some kids from school will be there too. It'll be fun, like crazy too probably."

"Crazy." I said quietly thinking it over for myself. "I don't really drink…I mean I haven't…ever." Santana smiled, it was her cocky smirk, now it became like second nature for me to read her like this. I couldn't help it, I didn't want to stop.

"No pressure." Santana didn't stop looking at me, like she wanted to say something else, but she didn't, not until her phone buzzed and she looked at a text. Her face told it all, the half smile, her eyes lighting up.

"Who is it?" Santana didn't respond to the text, instead she turned her attention to me. "You're smiling."

"It's no one." She knew I didn't believe her. "Brittany Pierce, do you know her?"

"Yeah, I know her. She actually takes dance lessons at the same studio as me. Only she does hip-hop instead." Santana nodded like she already knew that, so I decided to ask the real question. "I saw you talking to her yesterday."

"So what's the real question here?"

"Are you two friends?"

"I guess." Santana thought it over for a moment. "I mean not many people give me a chance. She does, even though I'm not worth the time."

"Why do you think you're not worth it?" That caught her off guard, I guess she wasn't used to anyone caring or actually listening to what she had to say.

"What kind of bullshit question is that?" Okay so now she was angry, it was sudden and it took me by surprise. She held up her hand, horizontally so that I could see that she couldn't hold it up without it shaking rapidly. "I stopped using Sunday right before the school started cracking down, even when I try to do the right then I still end up fucked up, you know?"

"What can I do? How do I help you?" Santana was shaking her head before I even opened my mouth.

"I shouldn't have…" Santana stood up and grabbed her backpack. "I shouldn't have said anything. You're just my tutor I didn't mean to…I should just keep my mouth shut."

"Yeah but that would make for a really awkward tutoring session." I decided to keep things light, that's where she felt more comfortable after all.

"Thanks for…" She suddenly became very nervous, and frankly I felt bad for ever even thinking that I could get her to open up, because even if I did, opening up seemed to break her down. "So the party, you'll go with me right?"

"Yes, but only because you're practically begging."

"Shut up." She said with a small smile, her dimple showing this time. "Maybe I should go home." It took a lot for me not to say that her apartment was not a _home_.

"You can stay over here, if you want, any time." Santana didn't respond, she seemed awestruck by the offer. "No pressure."

"Yeah…maybe some other time. Sure." She backtracked towards the down, her smile never leaving her face. "So I'll see you Friday, I'll pick you up at like ten thirty."

"Won't I see you in school tomorrow?"

"Um, I'll probably be a mess by then so…not likely. But I'll be okay by Friday, promise." Something about the way she smiled let me know that she was working me over. And I let her, I totally let her lie and fake smile and get away with everything. I was getting myself into trouble and I knew it, but nothing on this earth could ever bring me to care.

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	4. Chapter 4

**Thanks for reading, you all have given really wonderful and supportive reviews. I really enjoy writing this story and I'm happy you all like it too. Enjoy.**

Friday could not come soon enough. Santana was true to her word. She hadn't been at school the whole week, but she had texted me yesterday asking if I would still go with her. I took it as a good sign, she still wanted me to go. A part of me was holding out for her to change her mind. I just didn't want to get my hopes up too high, I knew Santana was unpredictable, but I had to trust her a little bit. I mean she was driving tonight.

I decided not to go home, I told my dads I was staying at school because a study group was meeting late and I wanted to go to a soccer game. I kind of worried me that they would believe anything I told them, but at least it wasn't that big of a lie. I texted Santana and told her I was staying at school and while I wasn't expecting it, she showed up out of the blue. Actually she scared me at first, she wrapped her arm around my shoulder when I was walking down the hallway, I didn't even hear her approach. She got a good kick out of my facial expression and I had to hit her twice to get her to stop laughing.

But then again I always had this feeling that each time she laughed it might be her last time for a while, so I should always just let her have her moments. Always.

"What are you doing here?" I asked her, not unaware that her arm was still around my shoulder.

"No one should be stuck at school, ever." She said with her matter of fact tone, and I nodded in agreement, it was Friday after all. "How was your day? Full of learning and knowledge?"

"As a matter of fact it was." I replied confidently. "So what are we gonna do for the next four hours? I really feel bad that you had to come up here so early, I could've waited." We walked outside and Santana's car was parked illegally in the fire lane, she unlocked her doors and we got in.

"I didn't want you to wait. We could go to the park or something." I smile at that, a park? Santana at a park? I couldn't picture it, but I did want to experience it. "I actually use to go to the park a lot when I was younger, did you?" It didn't take us very long to arrive, Santana was a fast driver. Fast, but still in control.

"Not really, I liked to stay indoors. I still do I guess." We got out of the car and started walking towards the path. There was hardly anyone around, but a few kids playing at the park and a woman walking her dog. "I talked to Brittany today." I said it hoping it would lead to a deeper discussion. I didn't understand why she was friends with her, and why she was her only friend.

"What'd you talk about?" Santana asked skeptically.

"Dance, she's thinking of joining my ballet class." I explained. "Apparently she wants to do hip-hop still, but she's afraid that that won't help her get into college."

"College." The word sounded foreign coming from Santana's lips. Her tone was bitter, and distant. "She'll get in anyway, so will you. You shouldn't be worried about shit like that, not while you're young and-."

"Why are you talking like that?" I asked her suddenly, we hadn't even made it forty feet up the trail, we were moving at this eerily slow pace like we wanted this to last longer than it needed to. An unwarranted, unspoken agreement. "It sounds like you're only talking about us…you're going to college too." She gave me a wary smile before looking up ahead at the path. "If I ask you something do you promise not to think I'm weird?"

"I already think you're weird." Her eyes lit up perfectly with this adorable hint of a smile.

"You and Brittany are just friends, right?" The silence that followed made the pit in my stomach feel heavier. We continued walking, it felt like she was ignoring the question, up until she grabbed my hand and led me towards a bench. We sat down. Her eyes met mine briefly, but then she looked away. "Sorry it was a stupid thing to say-."

"You think I'm gay?" I wasn't expecting that, I was sort of taken aback.

"No, no I didn't mean…I'm really sorry, that was rude of me to ask. I hardly have the right to even say something so dumb." Santana leaned back on the bench and lit a cigarette.

"It's okay." Santana rested her hand on my shoulder. "To be honest it's all kind of confusing." I wanted to ask why but her eyes told me so much more than I ever needed to know. She was confused, but it was more than that. She was curious too. "I don't know what I am, every time I've…been with someone, it's never been the same. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel…no one ever taught me."

"It's not something you're taught."

"Isn't it?" Somehow she was making me think more than I did all day at school. Not only did I not have a response, but the fact that she had an affinity for eye contact, left me tongue tied. Somehow, whenever she asked me things like that, I felt like I couldn't escape.

"Would you stop doing that?" Santana stiffened, her brow furrowed.

"Sorry…I'm sorry if I…" She looked so hurt that I grabbed her hand just to calm her down.

"I just meant that you always keep eye contact with me. I don't know, it makes me feel intimidated." She laughed outright and that relaxed me a bit. Santana looked at a dog that was passing, it was a beagle, Santana whistled at it. It rushed over, the owner offered us a smile as his dog jumped on Santana's legs and wagged his tail in excitement. Santana rubbed the dog's ears, receiving countless kisses on her hands. The dog ran off with his owner after a few minutes but the smile never left Santana's face. "Okay now the whole _intimidating _thing sounds stupid."

"You're just nervous about all the rumors you've heard about me." She assured me. "No I've never killed anyone, no I don't do acid, and yes I am really really easy."

"Shut up." I didn't say it out loud but I wanted to tell her that I liked being around her. No, I wasn't Ms. Popular, I didn't have a lot of friends, but being with Kurt and being around Santana were two completely different feelings. With Kurt I limited myself, I only really talked about things I knew would interest him too, but with Santana I felt like I could say anything. "So what should I be prepared for tonight?"

"I dunno, it's always a surprise. Do you like surprises?" She asked with a smirk.

"Jury's still out."

* * *

I felt like I was naked on a stage. That was the only way in which I can describe what I'm feeling right now. Sure Santana was there, being my tether, but there was so much going on around me that I felt exposed. She nodded to a few people, her way of saying hello, but she led me into the kitchen, there were bottles of alcohol all around us but she didn't make a move to drink anything. "You okay? I came in here to check and see if you're still breathing."

"I'm fine." I told her. "I'm sorry, I'm just…such a loser." Santana reached out, her hand touching my shoulder. It was comforting, but she quickly pulled her hand away like she was afraid of her own empathy.

"You're not." Santana looked towards the door when she saw that someone was walking in. She seemed to recognize the guy because she walked over and bumped his fist. "Hey Ryan, what's up?"

"Nothin much, didn't think you'd make it. Word was you were laying low, how was coming down?" Ryan had a beer in his hand and his scruff on his chin made him look at least five years older than us. He seemed really comfortable around Santana though, so I found myself to be relatively relaxed.

"How do you think?" Santana said with a laugh.

"So you're all cleaned out, huh?" Ryan asked.

"For now." Santana shrugged.

"That's rough, how are you gonna pay rent?" It seemed like Ryan only noticed me right now, because he looked over Santana's shoulder and winked my way. "And who might you be?"

"Don't even think about it." Santana said.

"Hey now the lady can speak for herself, right? I'm Ryan." He held out his hand and I shook it, looking to Santana who only seemed amused at this point.

"I'm Rachel." Ryan smiled.

"Wanna dance with me Rachel?" Ryan asked.

"Fuck no she doesn't want to dance with you. If she's gonna dance with anyone it's gonna be me. Lay off the jailbait Ryan." Santana pushed him back playfully, and he bowed before he scurried off into the other room. Even though I knew it was all in good fun, I was happy that Santana was there to protect me, though I'm positive Ryan was harmless. "Look at you reeling them in already, sorry for stepping in, if you want to dance with him you should."

"No thanks." I assured her. "Thanks for defending my honor." Santana laughed and looked towards the drinks for a moment. "You should make me something." I suggested, she laughed like I was joking, but soon enough she realized that I was serious. She grabbed a cup and pondered for a moment, she grabbed a few bottles and mixed me a drink without saying a word. She turned around and handed me the cup with a smile. "Will this get me drunk?"

"Drink it slowly and you should be fine." I took a sip and it didn't taste bad, a little tangy but I guess it was only because it was a new taste. "Can I ask you something?"

"I don't know, last time you did things got kinda…intense." Her eyes met mine but then she quickly looked away like she was afraid of something. Afraid of me, maybe.

"How are you going to pay rent? I mean if you're not…well you know." Santana leaned against the counter thinking it over.

"I'm not really…I don't know. If I told you what I was thinking you'd think I was…worse than what you probably think of me and that's gotta be pretty bad-."

"Hey mind reader, I can't even begin to tell you how wrong you are right now." Santana fought back a smile. "Stay over at my place tonight."

"Are you sure about that? What if I tried something again?"

"I wouldn't be that upset." She couldn't tell if I was joking or not, and neither could I really. My cup was empty and I felt a little dizzy, she'd made this drink way too strong for me. "Should we go out there and brave the crowd?" Santana nodded and we walked out into the living room. Everyone was having a good time, dancing, laughing, chatting, but I was too focused on Santana to really notice.

We danced, it wasn't graceful or perfect, but I'd felt comfortable dancing for the first time in a long time. When I do ballet, it's different, structured, and there's all the pressures of being perfect that it feels so unreal. I'm not perfect, sometimes my body's my worst enemy, but right now with Santana I felt free. We danced for over an hour, until our feet burned and I'd had one more drink in me, Santana told me we should go and I had no problem following her out the door.

We made it to her car, but neither one of us made a move to go inside. We felt the late summer breeze against our skin, basking in the moonlight for a long time before truly noticing the other person's presence. "You're a great dancer."

"I'm average at best." I said with a shrug. "Will you let me try a cigarette?" I'd noticed her twirling one in her hand for a while before I actually asked.

"No way." She said with a laugh. "Two vices in one night might be overwhelming, maybe another time." Santana lit her cigarette and looked around for a moment. "I uh…just wanted to thank you for coming with me tonight." That sparked my interest I looked over at her, wondering if she was struggling with this _thank you_ as much as she did before. "If you weren't here I might've done something I'd regret later…so thanks."

"I had fun, you're not so bad to be around." Santana toyed with her cigarette for a moment before sticking it back in her mouth. "You're thinking about something."

"I think about a lot, a lot of my plate and all. Sometimes I wish it'd all go away. You know?" The change in my voice showed hints of desperation, like she needed me to understand. I felt out of place, trying to understand her was like putting myself in her shoes, and I just couldn't do that. I wasn't there yet. "Wow, look at me trying to get all philosophical but sounding so stupid. Maybe you could teach me some new vocab words next tutoring session." We stayed quiet for a while again, Santana seemed content leaning there with her cigarette, and I was trying to balance my body and not look tipsy. "Are you drunk?"

"What? No, not…not really. I mean tipsy is a better word I just-."

"You're really beautiful." I looked over at her but she was looking down at the ground, pressing her toe against the cement. "I wanted to tell you that on the off chance you might forget, but if you remember..." Santana opened her car door. "That's okay too." She rolled down her window slightly and put her key in the ignition. "Come on, let me take you home."

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